Pretty Woman (Panama City, Panama)

Pretty Woman, you know the movie, the one where the pretty street girl gets treated like a queen in a big fancy hotel.  That is what we have compared our last couple of days to, a bit of a fairytale moment.  So there's Trey, Stella and myself.  Trey flies out of Panama City to go back to Colorado today and so he wanted to splurge on his last night and ended up renting a room at the Radisson Hotel here in the big city.  And of  course, as Trey explained, what fun would a fancy hotel stay be without my good friends? So Stella and I had a free stay at a gorgeous hotel.

As you can imagine, as a traveler who has been living out of backpack for the last 10 weeks and sleeping in dormitories with nasty shower stalls and toilet garbage bins filled with poopy toilet paper that is not allowed to be flushed in the actual toilet, the Radisson Hotel was a palace in comparison.  It was almost a little embarassing walking into the lobby in our shabby, smelly clothes with our rugged, stained packs on our backs, asking to check in.  And getting kicked out of the lobby cocktail bar due to wearing shorts, was almost reminiscent of Juila Roberts getting kicked out of that fancy clothing boutique.

The hotel room gave way to my new video project that I am embarking on, about traveling and personal growth. I have now interviewed 4 people on video, including Trey and Stella yesterday.  Stella truly is a pretty woman, and the other day she purchased one gorgeous sumbrero to protect her precious face from the sun, also very reminiscent of Pretty Woman.  Enough of these comparisons!  Anyway, these interviews are profound to me, to hear the thoughts and feelings of my fellow travelers.

Ironically, as we lavishly enjoyed being on the swanky 27th floor room, Stella spoke of how humbling and liberating it is to escape the materialistic world of North America and know that we can survive with just the small amount of belongings we have in our bags. "Empowering," I believe is the word she said.  And Trey, he went on to say how traveling is not about the destination, but about the journey and creating new perspectives on life.

And so after our long day of sight seeing the manmade, expansive wonder called The Panama Canal (much more interesting than I ever would have thought), interviews, photos, and hot showers, we ended the evening at a Hookah Restaurant. Over our meals of fetuccine alfredo (I know, right?) falafels, and a round of sheesha, we continued our deep conversation of traveling, personal growth, religion, diversity, and life.  A common occurrence as it seems in my on going journey.

So once more, only 1 hour ago, the three of us parted ways.  Stella and I have now traveled together for more than two weeks, and Trey, maybe 9 days.  The morning had that similar somber feeling in the air that reminded me of my last day in San Jose with Luis, the day I said goodbye to Cesar, the day I said goodbye to Manuela, the multiple other times I've said goodbye to travel mates, and the many days of goodbyes I had back in Calgary with my dear friends.  Leaving the hotel, the glam, once again reminded me of Julia Roberts and her departure in the film.  

And so how do I feel? Does it get easier each time? Do I become jaded little by little each time? I don't know how I feel really... I will continue on the journey I suppose, alone once again, face to the wind as they say.

On our first night in Panama City, this guy named Carlos, 5 minutes after our introduction said that he is "following the yellow brick road" and then asked me how I interpret the moral of the story in the Wizard of Oz.  Hmmm.... a question mark... or perhaps just a quest.  

Identifying Markers (Panama City, Panama)

A quickie. I think when I walk around with a bottle of water I stand out, it doesn't seem like a necessity for locals here.  Also, today I figured that the rain would start to pour at any minute so I brought my umbrella out with me and sure enough, no one else was walking around with one. However, when it is raining, I see that normally the majority of people have one, go figure. I just it is kind of like the question I sometimes get from immigrants about why I never wear a toque during the winter time.

Surreal Life (Panama City, Panamá)

Sometimes I have to pinch myself, do a double take, and ask others if this is real. I am currently sitting on my balcony in my new hostel here in Panama City, surrounded by antique buildings and architecture that dates back to the 1800's (I think). Down the street, at 11:46pm a small fiesta is occurring, in which they are celebrating a birthday in Halloween costumes as a Mexican band vibrantly plays live music to soundtrack the event, with lively saxophones, trumpets, holler, cheers and laughter to accompany.

Earlier this evening, as my two travel buddies and I arrived at out hostel after a 7 hour bus ride, we were greeted by our dorm mate with a fresh cup of tea, and a small tour of this expansive cosmopolitan city in his SUV, which ended in a quaint and authentic Italian Pizzaria, followed by a trip to a gelato shop, all accompanied by intellectual, spiritual conversation about life and humanity. My ideal evening.

It finally ended with a skype chat with my dear ol friend Mike, who is subjected to listening to my thoughts, as I write them here.

Is this real? Am I truly traveling and seeing this wonderful world? How am I so lucky? Why doesn't everyone do this? I wish I could transport my family and friends to come and join me, take them away from the daily grind, if they so choose.

This is a reality. This can be done. I understand that I am privileged to some extent, but there are thousands and thousands of other backpackers around the world doing the exact same thing.

I am grateful.

Caribeño (Bocas del Toro, Panama)

The last week or so in the Caribbean coast has been wonderful. I didn´t mention last post all the activities and beaches I´ve been visiting. Back in Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica we rented bicycles a couple days in a row and just wandered the island and swam in various beaches and ate lunch in various little villages. It reminded me of being a child again, hanging out on our bikes, following one another and strolling along the road.

Here in Panama, it is definitely a different vibe than Costa Rica thus far. Bocas is a bit cheaper than Costa Rica, but since we are on an island full of other tourists it can get a little pricey.  Bocas is filled with competing nightlife spots, each day touts walk up and down the main strip handing out the latest party gimmick they´ve got going on... 60 shots/60 songs, 80´s night, ladies night (which seems to be every night though), etc.

The last few days we have been exploring various beaches and islands on this gorgeous archipelago! So gorgeous!  Yesterday I went on an island tour, got to see dolphins in the oceans frolicking about! Went snorkelling and my foot touched a semi sized jelly fish, but no sting... phew! Then we ended up at this pristine beach, clear waters, sunny skies, great company.

Today will be my last day in the Caribbean, I don´t know if my travels will bring me back to this coast again.  I am travelling with Stella from Texas and Trey from Colorado. They have agreed to be the first people to let me video tape them on what I intend to be an amateur documentary for my own personal interest, surrounding the topic of travelling and how it shapes a person.  It seems a little too much like social work, like work... but I love this kinda stuff.

And So It Ends (Puerto Viejo, CR)

Tonight is my last night in Costa Rica. I am a little sad to leave, well I am very sad to leave.  For those that have been following, and for those that have been helpful in my pleas for advice, you should know that I left San Jose this past Monday, five days ago now since I last saw Luis.

It was a sad goodbye, a tentative goodbye, with the possibility of my return. But that is no longer a reality for me. As of 5 minutes ago, I purchased a flight from Panama City to Bogota, Colombia in two weeks time. Once I fly out of Central America in South America, I will not return.  When Luis and I said goodbye, we departed on a street corner and as I walked away to the bus station and Luis to his dance class, we both kept looking back over our shoulders to grab one last glance at one another.

With that said, we spoke everyday since then up until yesterday. Yesterday morning, we finally decided that reality just will not allow us to be together, and we said goodbye for good. No more phone calls, no more skyping, no more emails... at least until I get out of Central America. Too painful to hear his voice when I know he is only 4.5 hours away from me, a simple hop on bus that will bring me to him once more.

So, that's that. Another chapter closed, another window cracked open for new opportunities to arise.  Traveling really sucks in this regard, as I have expressed previously. Saying goodbye becomes one of the toughest things to do.

The past five days in Puerto Viejo have been nice though. It is a laid back beach town on the Caribbean side of Costa Rica, 30 minutes away from the Panama border.  There is not as much rain here as the rest of the country, and sunshine has been blessed on my face once more.  The ocean is calm, with no large waves to wrestle with.

I have been hanging out with a sweet English couple, a Texan girl, and for a little bit an interesting American girl. The English couple, Ben and Steph are new at the whole backpacking thing, and it is refreshing to see them not take everything for granted, as I sometimes do unknowingly.  Tomorrow, it will only be me and Stella from Texas off to Bocas del Toro, an archipelago also on the Caribbean side, in Panama. I am interested to go from one country to the next and see the difference in culture, the difference in people.  Some are subtle, others not.

So... I leave Costa Rica with gratefulness, to Luis, to Cesar, to Camila, to Chris, and to all the other wonderful I have met along the way.  Costa Rica has definitely been an experience for me in which I got to meet a lot of the local people and really get to know the culture first hand.  I have been welcomed into about 6 or more Tico families here, feeding me, greeting me with kindness and hospitality. Not many travelers often get that opportunity.

As they say here in this country... Pura Vida!

The Truth Continues (San Jose, CR)

I didn´t see this coming, I don´t have many expectations in life, but it happened and now here I am...

Let´s not pretend like we don´t know the truth that I spoke of in one my original posts prior to leaving home. I started traveling to heal a broken heart, I left home after the break up of my 12 year relationship.  As time passes, I think about the past less and less, but truthfully, I probably think about it at least once a day. I think it is inevitable. I don´t dwell on it, I don´t sulk about it, and I don´t have regrets. I can say that now.  To me, it is what it is. It is a part of me now, with no way of erasing it from my life, nor would I ever want to erase it, for I am I very grateful for those 12 years of happiness, joy, memories, laughter, tears,  sadness, sorrow, companionship, friendship, love and much, much more.

Today marks exactly two months of being away from home. Two months of a new, temporal, nomadic, lifestyle that I have specifically chosen for myself. In these two months I have come to a point where I am comfortable once again to be alone, to be in my own skin. I am reinventing myself once again, adapting to my new predicaments in this journey we all call life.  I enjoy finding myself, I like what I see on the inside.

And so now, I write this post with a bit of hesitation, with a bit of sorrow, and with lots of giddiness as well.  Do I go public? Do I share this piece of me to whomever reads this?  At times I want to shout it from the rooftops! At times I think it is too soon.  Some friends tell me to get off cloud nine and some friends tell me to enjoy every moment.

I will cut to the chase, I will spill these so called beans that are overflowing within me.  I have met a wonderful guy here in Costa Rica.  His name is Luis. I have spoken of him before in my last two previous posts, but like a young school girl, I did not reveal all. Often people are too scared to label relationships, too scared that things will change, that people will judge, that people will gossip, but here I am, telling the truth. Why hide it? Who am I protecting?

If I stand back from this situation, I think I could look at it and say, this should not be happening, it is too soon for me to be in a new relationship, I am still in mourning over the loss of my first love, my first relationship that was a part of me for one third of my life.  This should not be happening! But it is...

Sigh...

Luis is a dancer, however cliche that may sound... I am having a fling with a latin lover... who´s a dancer. Well,  I don´t really see it that way. Luis is a dedicated, passionate person that loves his job and hopes to one day own his own dancing academy.  I think that is the first thing we have in common, we both love our jobs... that is rare to find.  We are both dedicated and passionate, caring and kind, giving our all. That is the part that binds us, that creates the sparks.

I could go on and on about all the wonderful things about Luis, but perhaps that is personal stuff that does not need to be shared.  I will say this though... the past three weeks that I have spent with him have been unreal, somewhat magical, and for lack of a better word... romantic! After all the heartbreak, the loss of trust in another being, the building of walls around me to protect my fragile soul, I have come to a point in my life that I didn´t think would happen for a very long time. Luis has renewed something in me and I am thankful to have met him.

And so now the bittersweetness kicks in, the reality, the slap in the face! I cannot stay in Costa Rica forever. Luis cannot move to Canada, nor can he quit his job to come travel with me. So we approach a crossroads in which we will have to say goodbye.  I feel pain in my fingers as they type these words, as they reveal the anguish that is to come. I wrote a post a couple weeks ago entitled ´Stuck or Living it Up?´ in which I was really writing about Luis to some extent. So since then, I have pushed back my departure date from San Jose multiple times. One more day, one more day... I am in search of any excuse to keep me in San Jose.  Luis, obviously, is the excuse. So, if there is something for us to do, some little activity that we can partake in (going to the mall for example, going to the theatre, a national holiday in which Luis has no work, etc.) I will postpone my traveling.  So I ask again... am I stuck, or am I living it up?

Where do we go from here? Do we part and never communicate again... as if we are a chapter out of a romance novel... an unfinished romance that will never have an ending? Do we try a long distance relationship and let things fizzle away, ending with a bitter taste and an upset soul? Or do we simply say our goodbyes and continue to communicate via email and skype, knowing that we may never see each other again?    I will say it again, I cannot stay in Costa Rica forever.

I tried to tell my friend Camila the other day, when she asked me the very same question in spanish... ¨What will you two do once you leave Costa Rica¨.  I didn´t have an answer and I tried to translate the saying we use in English, ´It is better to have loved, than to never have loved at all¨. I believe it. I believe fullheartedly in love, no matter how short or long it lasts.  I say the same thing about my 12 year relationship that ended with a sudden, painful crash and I will now say the same thing about this 3 week relationship.  I am grateful.

Triste es la realidad, pero mi corazon conoces amor otra vez.

The McPlace To Be (San Jose, CR)

Who would've thought that McDonalds would be one of the coolest joints to hang out at? In the central part of San Jose lies the Plaza de la Cultura, with the National Theatre, museums, a courtyard with pigeons wandering about and children haring after them. The outer surrounding blocks are filled with shops and fast-food restaurants including Burger King, Taco Time, Pollo Campero, KFC and of course, McDonalds.

I have now used McDonalds as a rendez vous point about 5 times. I am not the only one. The other day I ended up waiting for a certain tardy Tico friend and entourage for two hours! In this time I had the pleasure of observing people. One of my favorite pastimes!

Man, this McDonalds sees all walks of life, and it is always bumping! There is normally a big group of deaf people hanging out at the front booths, chatting away with their sign language, making jokes, passing gossip, living life. There are the youngin's hanging out, some goths, some hipsters, some twinks, some neighborly looking folk. Adults as well, in their 30s all the way up to their 80s, just hanging, passing time over a McCafe, or a big mac, or a single cono.

And then there's all the folks just like me, congregating at the front doorway, waiting for their friends, their dates, waiting for their night to begin, waiting for some excitement, or simply just to find their companion to catch up with about their daily lives. Everyone is just living. Life is life.