Letters to my Mom - Part 1

 Hi Mom, 

I'm here in Playa del Carmen, Mexico while Carlos and Isaac are in the Philippines. They visited Tita Girlie and everyone else a couple of days ago and went swimming at Kuya Bobby's house. Isaac really enjoyed the visit and of course, the cats at the house. 

I had a counselling session yesterday and she suggested that if I'm journaling (or blogging in my case) that it would be useful to write 'letters' to you, so here I am. I have had a lot of quiet reflection time here, with some time dedicated to you and your memory. I miss you and I hope that you're at rest with no aches or pains. I hope that your soul or your being is with your loved ones that have also passed. To be with your mom, Lola, Tita Noy and others must be really nice. You can all chismis and watch over us while drinking coffee and eating pandesal, bibingka and whatever else your heart desires. Maybe you can (re)learn to play mahjong there and perhaps theres superpowers that will make you actually good at it, lol, because you weren't very good at it here. Or I guess just scrabble or words with friends will be just as good. 

December 2005 - amateur mahjong at the Estrella household. 

I'm sorry mom. I wish I could have spent more time with you in the last number of months and weeks leading up to your passing. I guess deep down we all kind of knew. I remember you telling me that you think you're dying already, but you said that often to me, so I didn't really take it into account or brushed it off. I'm sorry. I'm so happy though that you died in your sleep, I'm sure you are too. You know, Isaac really misses you. He doesn't know exactly how to verbalize it or whatnot, but I can tell. He is scared of death now and I'm not sure if him seeing you like that was the best decision. He told me that he doesn't want me to die (a couple of times) and I had to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere. Poor guy. He also knows that he only has one grandparent left. I wish he had more family around him in Calgary and not scattered around the world. I wish we could give him a sibling with the snap of our fingers. In general he's doing really good though. He is enjoying soccer lesson and swimming (not lessons, but in general). Like Ruben, he is adventurous and wants to do flips and somersaults all the time and for his birthday he's hoping to get a skateboard and go to a trampoline park with his friends. Oh my. I'll just be grateful if he can learn to ride his bike with actual pedals. 

Here's a pic of you and IC in the Philippines when we went to Bohol, July 2022. 

Isaac never cried during your funeral or anything. He just saw me cry (along with others). He was really sweet when he did see me cry, but that's not something I wanted him to witness. I worry that he didn't process it well. 

Anyway, that's all for now I guess. I love you. 

Deannie.