The truth

It's not a hidden fact that travelling has made a huge impact in my life. I often tell many new people that I meet that travelling has steered my life direction towards social work, helping others, advocating for immigrants and refugees, and towards a better understanding of humanity and culture. Travel, in my opinion, is one of the best forms of personal growth and education.

It's been a really long time since I've backpacked on my own, especially for an extended period of time. Most know that I have a continued passion to keep travelling. And so now, after much drama and time, the opportunity has presented itself.

I am slated to leave Calgary on August 16, 2011 to Nicaragua, returning home from Sao Paolo, Brazil on March 15, 2012. Seven full months of backpacking through parts of Central and South America. Going through this part of the world is something I've always wanted to do. It started when I first went to Costa Rica back in 2007 and learned some Spanish. I am hoping to come home next year with a much more advanced knowledge of the Spanish language.

People keep telling me that they're very excited for me. People keep telling me that they know I am fulfilling a dream of mine by doing this big trip. People keep asking me if I'm going to revive my old blog. People keep asking me what I will do when I go abroad. People keep asking me how travellers survive for so long living out of a backpack.

Here's the truth. Am I excited? Not really. I write this first blog entry of my new chapter in life with a very broken heart. I write this entry with a few tears swelling in my eyes. I write this entry with Sade playing in the background to sooth some of my pain. I write this entry in hopes that writing will act as a form of therapy for me. And I write this entry to help me find a way back to myself.

After ending my nearly 12 year relationship with the only person I have ever really loved, I find myself at a "round about", trying to figure out who I am. I have come to realize that I lost a part of myself when I said goodbye to my best friend, my partner, my companion, my soul mate, my lover, my other half. For so long, I saw myself in him. No one else knows me better. Together, we had a dynamic, a personality, that belonged to both of us. I am positive I will never have that same dynamic again with anyone else. Of course, there will be new dynamics and new personalities spawned with new relationships, but I will never gain back that part of myself that I lost when we walked away from each other for good.

Travelling for me is an escape. I think it will be a great way for me to live out one of my passions and to forget all the pain, all the drama, all the heartache, all the nonsense, that I currently call life here in Calgary. So, once again, am I excited to travel? Not really. Dont' get me wrong though, I will be excited once I am there, but not until I'm out of this pile of rubble. Each day for me this last month has been a new and unpredictable one, and I am always surprised to be feeling how I am feeling. Somedays happy, somedays sad, somedays lost, somedays angry and bitter as hell.

So I have decided to put all of my eggs into one basket - Latin America. I am going on my own for seven months, which will give me a chance to get re-acquainted with an old friend named Dean. Ever since my relationship ended on May 20th, I have only spent one whole day by myself. Every other day, I have been blessed with supportive friends (old and new) and family surrounding me, entertaining me and making me smile, or listening to my anguish and fears. I think I need to rediscover what it is like once again to be in love with me. To revel in my own company is what I desire. So perhaps my travelling is like a quest of self-discovery, a way to heal my scars and forget some of the trauma that has occurred in the past six months of my life. It will be a way for me to find my passion once again for social work. As well, to have some fun with brand new people who don't know the old me, a way for me to re-invent and re-create a new Dean, a new identity. And of course, to have some exciting adventures along the way.

This blog, at one point, was written for others. So that people could follow me and be entertained by my adventures throughout Asia and the South Pacific. I've long learned, that although there are some that really do care about listening to my stories and bearing witness to my growth, in the end, the majority of people really can't fathom what others are going through, nor do they really care. I understand that now. Understanding is not the same as fully knowing. Therefore, I now write this blog for me. If you care to join me on the journey, great, please do. If not, no worries, I'll see you on a path down the road.