The Truth Continues (San Jose, CR)

I didn´t see this coming, I don´t have many expectations in life, but it happened and now here I am...

Let´s not pretend like we don´t know the truth that I spoke of in one my original posts prior to leaving home. I started traveling to heal a broken heart, I left home after the break up of my 12 year relationship.  As time passes, I think about the past less and less, but truthfully, I probably think about it at least once a day. I think it is inevitable. I don´t dwell on it, I don´t sulk about it, and I don´t have regrets. I can say that now.  To me, it is what it is. It is a part of me now, with no way of erasing it from my life, nor would I ever want to erase it, for I am I very grateful for those 12 years of happiness, joy, memories, laughter, tears,  sadness, sorrow, companionship, friendship, love and much, much more.

Today marks exactly two months of being away from home. Two months of a new, temporal, nomadic, lifestyle that I have specifically chosen for myself. In these two months I have come to a point where I am comfortable once again to be alone, to be in my own skin. I am reinventing myself once again, adapting to my new predicaments in this journey we all call life.  I enjoy finding myself, I like what I see on the inside.

And so now, I write this post with a bit of hesitation, with a bit of sorrow, and with lots of giddiness as well.  Do I go public? Do I share this piece of me to whomever reads this?  At times I want to shout it from the rooftops! At times I think it is too soon.  Some friends tell me to get off cloud nine and some friends tell me to enjoy every moment.

I will cut to the chase, I will spill these so called beans that are overflowing within me.  I have met a wonderful guy here in Costa Rica.  His name is Luis. I have spoken of him before in my last two previous posts, but like a young school girl, I did not reveal all. Often people are too scared to label relationships, too scared that things will change, that people will judge, that people will gossip, but here I am, telling the truth. Why hide it? Who am I protecting?

If I stand back from this situation, I think I could look at it and say, this should not be happening, it is too soon for me to be in a new relationship, I am still in mourning over the loss of my first love, my first relationship that was a part of me for one third of my life.  This should not be happening! But it is...

Sigh...

Luis is a dancer, however cliche that may sound... I am having a fling with a latin lover... who´s a dancer. Well,  I don´t really see it that way. Luis is a dedicated, passionate person that loves his job and hopes to one day own his own dancing academy.  I think that is the first thing we have in common, we both love our jobs... that is rare to find.  We are both dedicated and passionate, caring and kind, giving our all. That is the part that binds us, that creates the sparks.

I could go on and on about all the wonderful things about Luis, but perhaps that is personal stuff that does not need to be shared.  I will say this though... the past three weeks that I have spent with him have been unreal, somewhat magical, and for lack of a better word... romantic! After all the heartbreak, the loss of trust in another being, the building of walls around me to protect my fragile soul, I have come to a point in my life that I didn´t think would happen for a very long time. Luis has renewed something in me and I am thankful to have met him.

And so now the bittersweetness kicks in, the reality, the slap in the face! I cannot stay in Costa Rica forever. Luis cannot move to Canada, nor can he quit his job to come travel with me. So we approach a crossroads in which we will have to say goodbye.  I feel pain in my fingers as they type these words, as they reveal the anguish that is to come. I wrote a post a couple weeks ago entitled ´Stuck or Living it Up?´ in which I was really writing about Luis to some extent. So since then, I have pushed back my departure date from San Jose multiple times. One more day, one more day... I am in search of any excuse to keep me in San Jose.  Luis, obviously, is the excuse. So, if there is something for us to do, some little activity that we can partake in (going to the mall for example, going to the theatre, a national holiday in which Luis has no work, etc.) I will postpone my traveling.  So I ask again... am I stuck, or am I living it up?

Where do we go from here? Do we part and never communicate again... as if we are a chapter out of a romance novel... an unfinished romance that will never have an ending? Do we try a long distance relationship and let things fizzle away, ending with a bitter taste and an upset soul? Or do we simply say our goodbyes and continue to communicate via email and skype, knowing that we may never see each other again?    I will say it again, I cannot stay in Costa Rica forever.

I tried to tell my friend Camila the other day, when she asked me the very same question in spanish... ¨What will you two do once you leave Costa Rica¨.  I didn´t have an answer and I tried to translate the saying we use in English, ´It is better to have loved, than to never have loved at all¨. I believe it. I believe fullheartedly in love, no matter how short or long it lasts.  I say the same thing about my 12 year relationship that ended with a sudden, painful crash and I will now say the same thing about this 3 week relationship.  I am grateful.

Triste es la realidad, pero mi corazon conoces amor otra vez.