Change & Greed (Phnom Penh, Cambodia)

Change

Have you ever seen that 'Friends' episode when Chandler and Ross' friend named "Gandalf" is coming to town and they get really excited because he's such a spontaneous and fun guy to hang out with? And in the end Gandalf never even shows up and they get disappointed?

I think that's how I'm kinda feeling right now. I don't really know what I expected coming back to Phnom Penh a second time, I knew that it wasn't going to be exactly the same, but I didn't think it would feel so akward either. As I said in my previous blog, its nice to come back to a place you've already been to because you're not lost or disorientated. However, here's there's been a lot of new development in the past 8 months! On the other hand, there are a lot of people that still work here who I know and they all recognize me. Actually so many people recognize me and are saying "welcome back, hello again, I know you", and I don't even remember them!

I'm so scared that when I go back home to Calgary, this is how I'll feel. I'll expect everything to go back to way things were, as I left it. I know that its not possible.


Old Friends

3 of the people that I've now spoken to are Laura, Thom and Jack.

Laura is the one I used to volunteer with, she basically feels the same way that I do but her feelings are maybe a little more deep than mine, because she's been here for 4 months now and doesn't know exactly her direction here in Phnom Penh. She came back to Cambodia for the same reason I did, but she hasn't once gone back to the Lighthouse for various reasons.

Thom is a wonderful Cambodian man who drives a motobike, he used to drive us to the orphanage all the time. Not to mention help us out in many different ways, by translating for us, giving us advice, helping cook, etc, etc. He's told me that all the kids at the orpahanage are different now and I might not even know anyone there. He hasn't been there in 2 months and says that the Lighthouse is just big trouble. He actually brought me to another orphanage today, it felt really weird to be at another place, it was run by an NGO (non gov. org.) and it was really well organized and structured. I felt quite helpless there, it seemed like the only thing needed there was donations. Towards the end, the children were opening up to Jeremy and I and so I realize that they too crave for companionship.

Lastly, I spoke to Jack, another motobike driver. I only know him from a guesthouse I stayed at here previously, in my eye, he's a shauvanistic, cocky bastard. He knew that I used to volunteer at the Lighthouse and told me that its still open and he helps out there now because he's friends with the manager. Hmmm... the manager is the one who basically kidnaps these children from their parents and siblings and exploits them for money. So I wonder what Jack's 'help' really is?


Greed

So where does this leave me? Well, I don't really know. The part where greed comes into play is that my heart is longing to see the children that I care so much about. I know that most of them aren't there. I should feel happy that most of them are back with their proper families, but deep down I almost wish they were all back at the Lighthouse and that everything were to go back to how it once was. How selfish of me to say that, I know. That's just my own feelings talking I guess.

I could cut my losses right now and not go the Lighthouse and just stick to the orphanage where I went to today and make new friends with real orphans whose parents really have died. Or, I could go to the Lighthouse and see if there's at least one kid that I know there. And if so, I would then probably spend the rest of my time there. I wouldn't want to come for one day and get his/her hopes up and then not show up ever again. The way I look at it is, even though the Lighthouse is corrupt, the children that are there are not, they are the victims of 'Rithy' the manager. I don't want to open a huge can or worms like last time, all I can do is maybe provide some relief to these victims while they're at the Lighthouse.

I'll keep you posted...